After saying “I do,” it’s happy ever after right? Not necessarily. I’m here to give the scoop about marriage. It’s not all sunshine and roses although it may appear to be on social media timelines and newsfeeds. Marriage is a lot of work. It takes time and patience to get it right.
I’ve been married for three years now and reflecting on some things I’ve learned and what it means to be in a healthy marriage.
I have a philosophy that the man is the head of the relationship and the women is the neck . Neither one can function on its own. They need each other. It’s a partnership with specific roles. My husband and I have mentors that have been married to each other for over 18 years that helped us with our marriage. They give us advice. I also spoke with other wives too. After speaking with several married couples from newlyweds to veterans, we all have these traits in common:
In a disagreement is it so easy to look at what the person is doing wrong. I had a whole list of the wrongs that my husband did. That just made the issues worse. It wasn’t him; it was me. About 95% of the arguments we got in were because I started them. I put gas to the fire by the way I respond to him or chose to ignore him when I do the silent treatment. I knew I had to fix this so I spoke to my mentor and my older sister (married for 7 years) about what it means to be a better wife. A happy wife is a happy life indeed. I had to learn to stop nagging my husband for every little thing and be more supportive. I wasn’t allowing him to lead me. As I mentioned earlier, the neck and head are dependent on each other. In order for the head to move it needs the neck. I was keeping our marriage from moving forward with my negative attitude. I did a major attitude adjustment and we went to a few marriage conferences that give us more insight on how to communicate with each other when we do disagree. I learned that I like to pause and cool down and think before speaking my view point. Whereas, my husband likes to talk right away. We learned that when I need to cool down that I need communicate with him that I need time to get my thoughts together. This seemed to work. We still get into disagreements but there are discussions not screaming arguments like before.
During the newlywed stage it’s hard to keep hands off each other. When the newlywed stage was done, it was evident that we had keep the intimacy alive. Throughout the years, with our busy schedules that got not as consistent as it was before. I realized that it is important to remain intimate. If time is the issue quickies here and there worked out. We decided early on in our marriage that we would schedule days for sex. Some people have told me that scheduling appointments for sex is crazy. I don’t think so. We schedule appointments for doctors office, hair appointments and appointments with clients. Why not schedule sex? We picked 2 days a week that is definitely sex day. Don’t get me wrong, we still have spontaneous sex. It’s just best when we have enough a definite date.
With intimacy it’s important to honest what works and what doesn’t work for you guys in terms of pleasure points. Allow your husband to explore your body while explores his. The objective here is please each other. Communicate what arouses you. What worked in the past might work anymore so change it up. Try wearing something sexy, costumes and role play. Sex should be fun.
Love and intimacy aren’t the same thing. Intimacy is external while love is internal. Loving each other in marriage is a given. I have love on here because it’s feeling that allow ourselves to feel. I heard marriage horror stories of people falling out of love. How do you fall out of love? Love is a choice we make that starts in our brain. The brain allows us to feel and to have these emotions. If a couple fell out of love it’s because they allowed their brain to stop loving that person. Marriage a lot of work. Like I mentioned earlier, it’s a partnership. So both partners need to choose to love each other.
It’s easy to look at another couple on Instagram or Facebook and wish you had what they had. Be happy you married the man the of your dreams. There were moments in my marriage when my husband got on my nerves. Lol. We chose to love each other. In those moments I tell myself, “I love my husband. I’m glad he is in my life.”
It’s crucial for married people to go out on dates. The date doesn’t have to be elaborate, it could be as simple as going for a walk. Dating allows my husband and I to relax with one another. Reminds me why I wanted to marry him in the first place.